Mullet Over
May 2003

M U L L E T  O V E R

05.17.03 Updates: Argument, School, Partridge and Cats Argument Update The Intellectual was reprimanded by the professor for being insulting, bringing his emotion into it and not sticking to the issue at hand. His defense was that he was playing Devil's Advocate. Whatever, dude. I'd always thought of Devil's Advocate as someone who was calm and more or less consistent, who would just sit back and quietly smirk at you as you got flustered and frazzled. Discussing anything with this guy is like finding oneself in the middle of a very bizarre version of Python's "Argument Clinic" sketch, and in this one, John Cleese's character and Graham Chapman's character are in the same body. Currently, we're arguing racism and homophobia problems in America. What I was trying to do is just talk to other people and avoid him because, well, he's an idiot. Then he came on and compared homosexuality to pedophilia and alcoholism. Classmate Shannon did the digital equivalent of holding me back, though I did respond to him in a kinder way than I had suggested to Shannon. He went on to say that he feels obligated to go to an Hispanic friend's barbecue or play basketball with some black friends, though he would really feel more comfortable on the golf course with the "white folk". I could almost hear the entire Hispanic and black communities saying, in unison, "Please, don't do us any favours. You go play your golf with the `white folk'." White folk, indeed. Before this particular assignment officially began, Stuart asked me if I'd any idea what ethnicity this guy is, and without hesitation, I said, "White. White, middle class male. And Christian! Definitely Christian." I felt kind of bad about it, because it's stereotyping, and I can't very well go around saying haters are bad for stereotyping and then do the deed myself. On the other hand, while I don't believe all white, middle class Christians think like him, I think all people who think like him are white, middle class Christians. And somehow - in my warped sense of the world - that is OK to say. We've this other girl in our class who is just a big sweetie. She's not stupid, she has some very intriguing thoughts to offer to these discussions. The problem is that she has no concept of spelling and grammar. I don't mean she uses it poorly - I mean, she doesn't seem to use it at all. I said to Shannon that it's very unfair that The Intellectual (I'd call him a "figjam" - fuck, I'm great, just ask me - but I affectionately call Carl that, and this guy is no Carl) gets the skills to at least come across as intelligent, though he's clearly an idiot, and this girl who seems bright comes off as a moron. I told Stuart that I'm inclined to send her an email and offer my help when she gets to college writing. He says she'll have to learn it on her own, but geez, just a little help? Two problems: I don't know how to approach her without being insulting (though, surely, she must already know!) and I don't want to end up writing papers for her. There must be a way to help, though. I'd hate to see the girl fail. School Update I have just uploaded my final assignment for term one. I am now drinking a beer and thinking of interesting ways to destroy my Algebra and Success Strategies books. I'm sure my regular following of three will be happy to know that there will be no more whinging about either class. After this, that is: Bloody Algebra teacher posted a blurb about everyone working their problems in threaded discussion ("going to the blackboard") as thoroughly as I have, and taking the time to respond to questions JUST LIKE MELISSA. I never wanted to be teacher's pet, but I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is the bloody teacher announcing to everyone that I am teacher's pet. In this, our final week, someone took that blurb to heart and cut and pasted my entry, trying to pass it off as his own. They're time- and date-stamped, you fool! Some people. A Bit About Partridge He wrote "Pink Thing" about his baby son, but apparently some people thought it was about his penis. Now when I listen to the song, I imagine it's about the penis as well. Especially with lines like "when I stroke your head, I feel a hundred heartbeats high," and "pink thing, spit in my eye, I'd love you for it." Cat Update The cats are not digging each other, and that's fine. Stuart blames my boys for every growl, hiss and spat, while he seems to think that his girls are perfect little angels. That is really getting on my nerves. We are about to have a family brawl over whose kids are the best. (Mine, no question about it.) The Brady Bunch we ain't. yabbered @ 042 05.10.03 Arguing, Psychosis & Going Stabler Persuasive Argument We've this gentleman in our class who is just Mr. Look At Me, Hey Everybody, Look at Me, Aren't I Wonderful? He's all on about how he is so levelheaded and smart all the bloody time, and it's really annoying. If you march in and tell us you're all levelheaded and smart, you're taking all of the sport out of the game, and you come across as if you're trying to convince yourself, not us. In the middle of all this convincing us that he is The Intellectual, he totally lost it and basically called me an idiot because I didn't agree with him, and I compared him to Hitler. It was great fun. The professor - in her infinite wisdom or utter stupidity - decided that we should prove we can argue effectively by assigning a discussion about euthanasia. We were meant to read three articles on the subject, all of which dealt with Jack Kevorkian, which led me to believe that it was really assisted suicide we were to argue, and that's precisely what I did. I'm for it, but I won't bore you will all the details of my essay but simply say - this is your life and you do what you want to do (and yes, I promise to stop quoting Andy Partridge. Some day). Instead of saying simply that he disagreed and offered a reasonable argument, he was all, "Yeah, I could see the reasoning behind your assumptions if I considered all the propaganda spewed forth by the media..." and blah blah blah. Needless to say I was very uninterested in his argument because he came at me in a very confrontational tone and insinuated that I'm just some dumbass who can't think for myself. I did read the rest of his argument, which stated that people should be forced to live, no matter what, because even the people with the worst lives have something to teach the rest of us. I said that his view was tantamount to Hitler's because he was playing god and forcing people to do something they didn't want to do. That should go over really well. Then again, he said Hitler wasn't evil or anything, so what the hell? He might like it. Psychosis Update I dumped Angus as my fantasy man in favour of Andy Partridge, especially after reading that he doesn't want to be a god, he just wants to sell records. Angus is cute and all, but Andy - especially at 49 years of age - well, swoon. Going All Stabler On Your Ass Yesterday, Dan the Man expressed special anticipation of tonight's Law & Order: SVU episode, and Susan said, "God help us all if Meloni gets all up in his face and gets all menacing and shit..." That has stuck in my head, and today I accused several people of "getting all menacing and shit" and then threatened to "go all Stabler" on Fochia's friend who owes her money. Stay on my good side, that's all I'm sayin'. yabbered @ 0311 05.08.03 Andy Partridge and Other Idols Top 10 Reasons I Love Andy Partridge Abort your mission let's just say you tried Before you glimpse I have a darker darker side I say why in Heaven's name do you come on these trips Only to freeze in a total eclipse - ‘Another Satellite’, Skylarking Dear God, don't know if you noticed, but... your name is on a lot of quotes in this book, and us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look, and all the people that you made in your image still believing that junk is true. Well I know it ain't, and so do you, dear God. - ‘Dear God’, Skylarking This is your life and you be what you want to be, this is your life and you try it all. This is your life and you be what you want to be, Just don't hurt nobody, 'less of course they ask you - ‘Garden of Earthly Delights’, Oranges & Lemons Don't you know, 'bout your finger tips away Is a universe of atoms that thinks you're real something Don't you know, just a couple of lips away Is an evolutionary bean feast whose insides are jumping Don't you know we're all light? Yeah I read that someplace Don't you know we're all light? Yeah it's a bumper sticker someplace ‘We're All Light’, Wasp Star: Apple Venus Volume 2 I think about the salt sea rolling Down in pearly tears upon your cheeks Just like the day the harbour pulled away I think about your warm white sheets unfolding The more I have to drink The more that I can think to say - ‘All You Pretty Girls’, The Big Express All round the world, every boy and every girl, need the loving. Cold-hearted or warm, every single person born, needs the loving. Way out there in space, think we'll find that alien race, needs the loving. And just to end the list, everything that could exist, needs the loving. - ‘The Loving’ - Oranges & Lemons Peter Pumpkinhead put to shame Governments who would slur his name Plots and sex scandals failed outright Peter merely said Any kind of love is alright - ‘Peter Pumpkinhead’, Nonsuch H-A-T-E Is that how you spell love in your dictionary K-I-C-K Pronounced as kind F-U-C-K Is that how you spell friend in your dictionary Black on black, a guidebook for the blind - ‘Your Dictionary’, Apple Venus Volume 1 A lie for a lie but a truth for the truth Give 'em back their house The walls, the doors, the floors and roof And stop trying to diet 'em on wafers and wine And some myth we're in control - ‘Church of Women’, Wasp Star: Apple Venus Volume 2 Breakers pillow fight the shore She wriggles free in the tide I'm locked in adult land Back in the mirror she slides Waving with comb in hand I was lucky to remain beguiled Grown to child since mermaid smiled - ‘Mermaid Smiled’, Rag & Bone Buffet (originally on Skylarking) I took Wasp Star in the car with me this morning, which is a rarity because CDs that have spent any time in my car usually end up scratched up shadows of their former selves. That is why I usually only take copies of CDs or mix CDs and not Actual CDs by My Favourite Bands. Especially XTC because, as I think I mentioned before, they are The Greatest Band of All Time in my humble opinion. Anyway, last night-carrying on into this morning, I could not get the song ‘Maypole’ out of my head, and because I usually have about zero minutes to spare in the morning, I could not copy the CD before leaving the house. That is how Wasp Star got to go on a field trip, and I came home from my little temp job today all full of love for Andy Partridge - a major reason being because this is currently my favourite XTC CD, which means that, unlike other bands in the pantheon, they continue to make high quality music and aren't just slagging off, resting on their laurels (ooooh, I'm the end-all, be-all, know-it-all music critic. Yeah.) That is one reason you get a sampling of XTC instead of any attempt at originality on my part. The Other Reason You Get a Sampling of XTC Instead of Any Attempt at Originality on My Part I have no life. In fact, if not for this temp job, I would scarcely leave the house, especially since Stuart lives here now and has the good sense to stop by the store while he is already out (doing that "work" thing, you know). In fact, before this temp job - also in Columbia: Where Nothing Can Look Like What It Really Is - I would sometimes sit up and say to myself, "You know, the last time you left the house, Reagan was president. You really should think about stepping outside the door." Perhaps it's not as bad as that. It just feels like it. And when I say bad, I don't mean "bad", per se. I really don't mind my agoraphobia until I start thinking that it might actually be agoraphobia, and because I have so many other phobias (claustro-, arachno-, boybando-, familygatheringo-, etc.) I begin to think that getting rid of at least one would make all the difference in my life. Then I think, I don't really need a difference in my life, my life is just fine; however, if I maybe joined the human race once in a while, I might actually have something of interest about which to write, instead of quoting movies and songs. My Love-Hate Relationship with IMDB I love IMDB and use it quite regularly. You see, I can't appreciate an actor's performance in a movie without knowing the actor's name and what other movies I might catch him in, especially if there is heavy makeup involved, as in the case of The Lord of the Rings. Of course, I will remember the name of this person I've never met but won't remember your name if we meet in the pub, but that's another story. What I don't like about IMDB is that it lets just any old Joe Blow off the street contribute, and the People in Charge don't really have the time to be checking every little contribution before posting it on the site. People add quotes a lot, and when it comes to quoting other people, people's minds tend to change words around so that the original meaning is lost. This is fine when you're talking about your weekend and you say that your buddy really gave the Samoan bouncer who was trying to remove you both from the club a good tongue-lashing, and the bouncer went away in tears, when what really happened is that your buddy mumbled "fat bastard" under his breath, and the body guard beat you both to a pulp before depositing your lifeless remains on the sidewalk in front of the club. It is not, however, fine when you're quoting a film. This is such a pet peeve of mine. Someone wrote that down, you know, and then someone else memorised it and said it before a camera. And he not only said the right words, he said them in just the right way as to convey a feeling or tone. The last bit is the part that really annoys me. When someone is quoting another person, he tends to add inflection and emphasis where it simply doesn't exist. Case in point: I intend to get back that whole Andy Partridge thing later in this post, and in that bit, I plan to quote the movie Notting Hill (I dig Hugh Grant, so sue me). I want to get the quote just right, so where do I turn? IMDB for some stupid reason. In the restaurant scene, Anna says to the guys overheard referring to her as a whore, "I'm sure you guys didn't mean any harm, I'm sure it was just friendly banter. I'm sure you have dicks the size of peanuts. Enjoy your dinner, the tuna is really good." She did not say, "I'm sure you guys have DICKS THE SIZE OF PEANUTS!!" That would have just been angry, taken the subtlety of the insult out of it and basically changed the whole tone of the scene. I don't care for exclamation points, the use of which always conveys yelling and/or overexcitement. This is not an aversion the world shares with me. Sigh. Bill Gates's Evil Little Program Does Microsoft Word just want to write the damn documents for me, or what? (Its suggestion for that sentence: "for what, or me?") It is constantly saying to me, "Hey, I don't like the way you spelled that, try this other, completely non-related word that shares two common letters." Or, "Hey, that sentence is too long. Brevity is the soul of wit, you know." And it just looooooooves to completely change the format, and so hates it when I say it looooooooves to do that. I could turn all that off, but then I might as well be using Notepad, right? Back to Andy Partridge It's true that I have a wonderful boyfriend who I would not give up for any reason whatsoever. It's also true that when I was growing up, I fantasised about being an actress. Nay, not an actress, a movie star. No, actresses can act and have 5:30 a.m. makeup calls. I just wanted to live in a nice house, wear fancy clothes and attend the big Hollywood bashes with hunky film stars. So I really wanted to be an heiress, I guess. I digress. I gave up the movie star dream when I realised that the first time someone snapped a photo of me schlepping over to the corner store after having rolled out of bed, with no makeup and this purple and white housedress I wear, I would totally pull a Sean Penn and probably wind up in jail on assault charges. I did not, however, give up on the hunky Hollywood boyfriend, and Angus MacFadyen has been my fantasy man for some time now (probably longer than I've actually maintained a relationship with any real person). I find that I have a very strong ethical conviction when it comes to "dating" these fantasy men, in that I cannot "date" one who I know to be married. I don't know what that's about, since I'm practically married myself, but there it is. So I've "been with" Angus for quite some time now, and today - while researching those lyrics to make sure they were correct and not just what plays in my head - I found out that Andy Partridge wrote "Your Dictionary" about his own divorce. This means, that unless he's already taken the plunge again, Andy is single and, therefore, datable. Now I'm all confused about dumping Angus, who has been a loyal "boyfriend" for a long time, but I do love me some Andy Partridge. It's all confusing. I don't know which is sadder: that I actually have this little fantasy life, or that I shared it with you just now. I do have touch with reality, though. I would never think of dumping Stuart for anyone, including Angus and Andy. Especially not Andy because (and here's the quote): Max: ... and you know what happens to mortals who get involved with the gods? William: Buggered, is it? Max: Every time. Run DMC and Jam Dr. Pepper? What? So Jam Master Jay gets murdered, and then Dr. Pepper replaces his name with its own in a television spot? Why not "INXDr. Pepper"? "NirDr. Pepper"? The use of Garth Brooks in a commercial was bad enough. Now, I shall have to boycott Dr. Pepper. And Run DMC, for that matter. Just Before I Go, Another Confession I am thirty years old, and I still call my aunt Judy "JuJu." yabbered @ 0056

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